This week, I want to share with you all, snip-its from my journal. I really hope this is something you all can enjoy reading. Also, if you don’t keep a journal, you totally should!
August 7, 2014 Journaling is a past time I’ve done sporadically my entire life since I was about six years old. The very first birthday present I received when I turned 6, was a red journal with a lock and key. The first birthday present I ever gave to Katherine was a leather bound journal and a pen. Encouraging the artist, encouraging the outlet. Receiving this journal last night made me cry. It’s such a fitting and perfect gift between us. Plus, last year I gave Katherine a journal I had decorated. I think everything happens for a reason and is connected. For now, that is all. November 21st, 2015 Mentally and emotionally It’s been a whirl wind! I’ve read several books, well honestly, I’ve started reading several books but only actually finished three: They were: “The Cat’s Cradle”, “Don’t Eat The Daisies”, and “A Lesson Before Dying”. Also studied, a few new things recently: Buddhism, Microtrends, the history of Portland, Passages of Life, and Investments. We’ve met some other travelers along the way. People that I never want to forget. I’ll always carry their good favor with me, the well wishes. Now it’s time to get laundry from the dryer, fold them, and return to my humble abode. Until next time... Laundry is folded into his, hers, and theirs all sorted. I need a dew-fill. James and Katherine Blake... Take on the world! Not really, it’s more like the world, the universe has taken us on.. On out to this land of mystery and wonder. This land of trees, mountains, beaches, and opportunity. We look forward to a home here. We look forward to making many memories here in the Pacific Northwest. I hope to get a phone tomorrow to take care of business on Monday. There is a place in Portland that will pay for housing up to 70% for up to a year. That would be a great benefit to us. To give our kids a better home and life. Ourselves too... November 25th, 2015 I’m feeling the countless others that have traveled this way before us, that have succeeded or have had the excitement of success pushing them forward to their goals. Our goals aren’t of success, corporate ladders, or possessions. Our goals are raising happy, loving kids, traveling, gaining knowledge, and staying together despite any trials we face. This is the first time I’ve truly committed myself to my family and my own life. This is the first time I’ve really been proud of the person I’m with and proud of myself. I guess you can say, it was destiny. A seriously modern fairy tale of separated lovers in youth, reunite a dampened firelight of love that never died. As we rekindled our love, dealt with our PTSD, and grew up the hard way, we discovered ourselves and a new way of life together. We pledged ourselves as life long travelers together and pledged our hearts to one another. We trudge on daily, a little closer to our goal. As life long travelers on this winding, never ending highway, life. Katherine is the reason I try harder, every day more than the last, to do better. I used to not be this way. Oh no, before us, I settled. Before us, I was complacent in a boring life with a mediocre partner and a dull apartment. Now, I’m James. A father, husband, entrepreneur, nurse, best friend, super hero, and I like James better. The mundane lifestyle I led drove me mad, but I drank, among other behaviors, to kill pain, sadness, guilt and regret, and being in hate of myself. I felt ashamed to be me. To be Fancy’s daughter, to be that person my heart shudders to hear the name of ... That person was ugly, hurt, broken, afraid, numb. I, James, am very much alive and that person is dead. I no longer see them when looking in the mirror. I see me, James. The man I’ve grown to be. I see Kat’s hubby, J&J’s daddy. I see someone I’m proud to be—finally! Right under the surface, all along was me! Thanksgiving November 26th, 2015 My morning started out by the news of a friend passing away. She was a highly active member of the community of Lowndes County. She had a crippling disease that put her in a wheelchair since childhood. She never allowed that to hold her back from life! She donated thousands of hours of her life to Contact helpline and the local arts center. As well as participating in classes for various reasons like fitness at the university in town. She made her own jewelry and sold her items to folks through her social media. Although we didn’t always talk, we did keep tabs on one another’s lives. She was a good person and friend. May my sweet friend go on to her perfect, complete form. Saturday November 28th, 2015 Today was sad news as Katherine learned of her grandfather’s passing. This morning around 8:00 am, her grandmother went to see her grandfather at the hospital for breakfast. He had gotten very short of breath, distressed, and since he was a DNR, he was removed from the ventilator. He was originally in for gall bladder removal, but was placed in ICU. A couple days after the surgery he seemed to be doing better, however, I learned as a nurse, that’s sometimes the case, one last boost before they pass. Katherine’s father said he went to visit his dad the day before, and wished to have the truck pulled around so he could be taken home. It would have been nice for him to have passed at home. Of course, they didn’t take him home, and he passed at the hospital. Her grandfather donated his body to medical science. He will be sent to MARI, then after a year, the remains will be sent back to the family for burial. Her grandfather was a unique person, kind, and generous. Kat’s grandparents used to house prisoners after their release. Even forgiving and allowing a convict back into their home after stealing his truck. Such a lesson here for me. Wednesday December 2nd, 2015 We traveled Colorado, with taxes and a car wreck settlement looking for a camper van for ourselves. We located one in Manitou Springs, just outside of Colorado Springs. We were so happy to have a bigger vehicle with lots of storage! We had our little flutterby, 2005 Dodge Neon SXT 5 speed. It was nice but tiny for a family of four and all our belongings too. No room or comfort. We were able to get a hotel voucher or pay for a room a few nights when it was extremely cold, below zero, lots of snow. We had heat in both vehicles we would just run them all night or periodically when it would be too frigid. We have lots of blankets, several warm outfits that are interchangeable and layerable for warmth. The kids have big comfy seats, room to play in our camper home. We’ve considered a bumper pull to make things more comfortable for ourselves. So, we found out yesterday the family put our dead names in the paper, had our names separated and even the children's names off by theirselves, not listing us as a family unit. Very hurtful to say the least. However, our new names aren’t legal and our marriage is common law, so perhaps that’s why. There are several things on our list to accomplish in the coming months. Wednesday December 3rd, 2015 I feel as if I’m on the brink of the rest of my life. Like being on the beginning of my journey to my life’s destiny. I feel it’s rather ironic that our parents and families disowned us right after we changed our entire lives for the better. 1) First and most important we stopped using drugs and alcohol 2) We became vegetarian / vegan 3) We went back to studies 4) We stopped all violence 5) We finally came out as transgender and feel an enormous burden has been lifted Now when needing support the most, we’ve only had each other. Well, I applaud us for staying together despite all the raining down of negativity and family insisting we separate. We will prevail! Love wins, hate and prejudice loose the four of us. We kept writing home with good news and they kept responding with ill things to say. I told Katherine I needed time to heal from our damage we caused ourselves. We couldn’t stay apart, so we took a year to repair and restore our hearts, lives, family, and relationship. Now, we have had time to process our feelings, find the source of our inner anger and come to a resolution for our issues. We are finally at a place where we are ready to re-integrate as James and Katherine. With our families recanting their love, approval, acceptance, and relationships we feel perhaps it was never there to begin with. Before realizing I am a man, I felt dead inside, pent up with rage. Hating myself and punishing others for loving me. I’m done hating myself because I’ve done wrong. I really feel it’s not a matter of wrong or right. I feel it’s a matter of normal exploring of varying patterns of behavior. An exploration of sorts, hands-on, one’s own moral values and personal boundaries. Not white and black, good and bad, but mere searching for what one’s own soul views as right for oneself. Anyway, I feel everything in my life up until this point has been a lesson or a fork in the road to inevitably bring me to these revelations. 1) That all humans are equal in spirit (whether in touch with reality or not) 2) That capitalism and totalitarian agriculture are destroying our planet 3) That all souls want for perfect love and acceptance regardless of skin shell 4) A soul knows it’s own identity regardless of the skin shell 5) More love should go to the Earth and all of it’s inhabitants Friday December 4th, 2015 For three days now my back has been increasingly hurting and I’m ready for it to increasingly feel better! Well, in less than a week I’ll be seeing the doctor about my first testosterone injection. I’ll probably have to self inject, that’s really no big deal. I wanted both children bad enough to self inject Lovonox blood thinner, twice a day for complications due to 4G/4G. I’m rather excited about HRT. The part I’m looking forward to the most is the relief of the internalized anger of living as an assigned female. Friday December 4th, 2015 I feel as if mine and Katherine’s love is why we’ve had to be strong to get back together. Like our love is the greatest and strongest love of all time. Like it’s so powerful, it could change the world. We fought hard to be together, stay together, and keep one another. We fought hard to stay alive, fought hard to be heard, and understood, loved unconditionally. Longing for the one person that understood, that could see the person each of us had within us. The us others lacked to see, refused to see. Outward appearances societal norms shaped our own perceptions as well. Sunday December, 6th 2015 Yesterday my back was hurting quite badly. We try hard to live in thankfulness and appreciation. We live like minimalists, with tiny living. We want a home, however we want to stay avoiding capitalism. We don’t want to consume and die. We want to learn and help. We have a strong desire to do great things in our lives, but mainly to share knowledge, change minds, and be at peace. Friday December 11th, 2015 So, yesterday was my appointment at Outside In, to begin hormone replacement therapy. I had the biggest, silliest grin the whole afternoon. My first shot was rather filled with emotions. Mostly anxious, butterfly nervousness, excitement, and just plain happiness. Within minutes I was experiencing a warmth inside my core and on the back of my neck. Next, is what I can only describe as a slowly increasing calmness and peace that came over me, and it hasn’t left. I feel the changes within me already beginning. It’s a long process of phasing out the old hurt, false self, and scraping back the years of torment that living as an assigned female caused for me. Slowly, I sculpt James from deep within my soul! Here I come world, look out! Saturday December 12th, 2015 Pre-HRT, I was a lot different in my reactions to emotions. Before I couldn’t tell which emotion I had. It would always come out as anger anytime I felt the least disturbance. Now, each time I’ve been sad or something has happened to make me upset. I feel differently, calmer, and I’ve been able to keep a better head, think clearly what is holding me back or really on my heart. Sunday December 13th, 2015 Katherine and I both long for a platform in which to speak out for transgender citizens, class oppression, racial discrimination. We wish to change the minds of the prejudiced and bigoted. We wish to open the hearts of many. Embrace the individuality, embrace the differences, embrace the changing world around us. Stop making people suffer by concealing their true selves. Stop the judgments, broaden the horizons, and teach acceptance. Show the horrids of our society. Expose the rape culture and death cultures for what they are. Morals, are for hypocrites—Value, that’s the ticket. The values of a person, community, and society, is the most important. How others, how people value humans. Humans today focus on what separates them from another group of people. Deluding themselves that some people have more innate value than others. They are wrong. I want understanding; a shift in global acceptance and understanding. We wish for change, and hope for more love in the world. We may even succeed—one heart, and one mind at a time... Being a trans person isn’t anything to be ashamed of or scared about. It’s of course different than being cis-gender. Being a transgender man, for me, is like the engineer put the motor of a 1972 Pontiac Judge into a 2014 Toyota Prius.. The outside so doesn’t match the engine running the car. Although, I’m not certain that motor would fit in the Prius, the point is the same. Still Sunday 12/13.2015 I want a home for our little family; a husband, a wife, and two kids. Blessed be all who have seen to my heart, felt my soul, and in faith reached out in compassion to help another. Blessed be all who have been in a simiilar situation and been oppressed, denied, or hurt by the ignorance and cruelties of others. Tonight, while using a public facility’s public microwave, to heat up our dinner, a worker all but assaulted me trying to throw me out of the establishment for using the device. He forcibly removed the food, and tried yelling to get me to leave. Other customers were around and saw him treating me this way, but said nothing. So, I told him he had customers to attend to and I wasn’t done using the microwave and as soon as I am, I will leave. He then threatened calling the police, I told him he was “being a dick”, and that customers were still waiting. I did complete my task, as I exited the door, I told him loudly he was an asshole. I think since tomorrow is a Monday, I will be paying a visit to the manager. It’s ridiculous a paying customer is being thrown out for using the microwave. I’m assuming on the basis of us being homeless. December 21st Monday, 2015 Winter Solstice 7 days until Jayden’s fifth birthday, 4 days until the gift exchanging. I have applied to another job recently, waiting to hear back. We are going to Vancouver for supplies today. I messaged a lady named Eliza, that’s doing a photo shoot for the LGBTQ community. All proceeds go to her business for the queer community. We are potentially going to be in her trans/queer “holding hands” bit. “A trendy look at queer relationships”. Also, Kat is now moderator of a Facebook transgender support group. The group is for people to discuss issues related to being transgender. I have taken my second “T” shot. I am feeling great! We are stepping up on our online support of the community. It’s what we are passionate about! Wednesday December 23, 2015 Thinking about transition. I’m going to become way different on the outside and that’s both scary and exciting. I hope I still look good to my wife and myself. I’ve always wanted to be perceived and appreciated for my male dominated thoughts, actions, feelings, and behaviors. I’ve been thinking back to my childhood and upbringing. I can recall a time where I became obsessed with seeing penises and would even dream about myself having one. I can think back to the moment as an adult when I found out my father didn’t really appreciate having an assigned female child. He wanted sons. Well, he raised me to be his son, but never accepted me as such. Now, he’s no longer even admitting I’m his child at all. The irony that he took custody of me at 8, away from my mother, and then disowned me at thirty. Go figure! December 24th, 2015 We keep on trucking, from Denver to Grand Junction; from Pueblo to Boulder; from Spokane to Seattle; from Vancouver to Portland and lots in between. We keep on going to where we can finally feel like we fit in. These children are stoved-up and need a play day, but it’s been raining for 24 days straight. I want to find a good indoor place to take them. Both of them though, have their first runny nose of this winter, since this time last year. December 25th, 2015 A holiday of shopping and gift giving. We’ve made it a holiday of counting blessings instead. Hopefully we’ll be able to shower, and wash clothes. There is precious sunlight bathing our van right now. We wished a few folks Happy Holidays. A day filled with family cuddles, kisses, and playing, a few sweet treats, also a nap. January 13th, 2016 We made it through the New Year. We’ve had a good start to the year! I had an interview yesterday at a local call center. They sell approximately 150 products online. I’ll be working as a sales agent. It’s going to be part time, sounds neat. We are beginning the process for our legal name changes. I’m very excited about our progress here in Portland. February 2016 Today, it doesn't really matter the day. Although it’s early February. Right now I’m so mentally, physically, and emotionally exhausted from this constant struggle. I can’t even clearly make a choice about anything. I’m frozen in place, trying in every way, everyday to keep making progress, at least personally. Greatness in all ways; heart, soul, body, mind, actions, decisions, life as a whole. I want to be able to give back. We are trying to reach out but are receiving mixed signals. I hope to be at a place of calm and serene in every action, thought, word, and decisions in life. I’ve tried to write about other things, but my mind and heart keep coming back to the pain. I’ve been so focused on the positive lately, I almost was able to overlook the opposite. Although, it probably is just me. I am just weirdly flawed. I don’t want to be this right now. I don’t. December 2016 Perhaps next year will be a good year for all of us. Katherine and I have had optimistic readings and happenings as well. We are in California, have been for about two months. We spent about a week and a half in Medford, Oregon. Prior to that we stayed one final week in Portland and before then we were in Seattle/Tacoma area for three weeks. Portland was our favorite so far. It’s been an adventure. I’m seeing the world in a whole new light and getting more sunshine too! 12/29/2016 As the year winds down to a close, we sit here in California with our windows open, and our lounging clothes on. The kids are asleep. We’ve gone back over the lessons and blessings of the last year and it’s been an unbelievable year. Many hours spent in outreach and activist work. We found our platforms and are reaching beyond our current projects, hoping to spread further, the message of acceptance, hope, and most importantly, love.
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Authors:James and Katherine are a transgender couple raising two kids. They were southerners when coming to understand themselves as trans. Ultimately it lead to a nearly three year road trip to find home. Now they are re-housed and still focused on outreach in the transgender community! Archives
October 2020
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