Writing has been apart of my life for a very long time. Today, I would like to share works from my past.
05/04/1998 Dreamland As the weary eyes drift off into dreamland As the dew falls upon the petals of each rose A blackened velvet sheet lay over the world like a tight pillowcase A moonlit night reflects on the gentle, crystal clear waters As a star filled sky glows as it hits against the icy surface The day is yawning, the sun sleeps on its silken mattress of night The world turns and life goes on As people lie in bed dreaming of their fairy tales They have no reason to suspect that every evening day turns into night In an effortless strive to be beautiful Unknown 1998 Your Whole Life and That Little Star It is like a starry night, when you sit and gaze in wonder. When you feel as if you are miles and miles away from earth and from people. When life itself has just faded away. For a few moments you feel content and free. You have set aside your worries and griefs. You are now ready to face them as they are. Not always trying to change them, but now you understand why you were put here, why you belong here. Now everything is different, yet the same. You’re amazed and confused at the same time, how something so small, like a star, can change your whole life, your whole attitude towards life. Life, hmm... Life is complicated. Life is you. You are the only one that can change it. You are the only one that can keep it the same. You choose to eat or not to eat, to drive or not to drive, or to kill or not to kill. It’s your life, you can do many things to it, it can do many things to you. Just like that little star can change your whole life before your eyes. Before you know it... you and that little star have somehting in common—you are both so unique. Unknown 1998 Here With Me You are in my heart. You are here with me. Everyday you will be there. Even if you don’t love me, Even if you don’t care. To me, in my heart you will stay there. I don’t care what you think of me. Just say “I’ll be there” You will be there, physically or not. In my heart you will stay To guide me everyday. 06/01/1999 Dust in the Wind I lack the courage to go on. I am but dust in the wind. I cannot see, for your love has blinded me. I no longer can feel love, you stole that from me. It is you I love, you and only you. It has always been and always will be you that I love. You have made me weak, I am down on both knees begging you to come back to me. I lack the courage to go on with out you. I am but dust in the wind. I cannot see for you have blinded me. I was mistaken, it was not your love for me that had me blinded, but my love for you. All along you hated me, you used me and stripped me of the one thing that made us different. Love, I had loved once. I too was capable of loving, until you stole it away from me. I too can love. 05/04/2000 Revisit My Life Well, at first I had trouble coming up with something to write about. Then I started to think a little deeper. I found I have many things I could look back on. Usually I try to enjoy every moment I have. I try to appreciate everyone and what they have done for me. I can’t say that I haven’t had any happy moments in my life, because I have. For instance, the birth of my younger sister, and the recent marriage between my father and step-mother. There isn’t one specific time that I would like to change or revisit. I believe that I have appreciated their happenings to the fullest extent. I also believe that everything has happened to me for a reason. I remember most parts about my past. At any time my memory serves me well of these events. I recall them quite often, but I never regret not doing this or that. Everything in my past is a part of my personality. These events describe me and tell how I was sketched. Although my past isn’t as happy or as great as the past of some others, it is mine. It is part of my life I will never forget, it’s what makes me myself. There is definitely none other like me. Still you ask, which would I revisit? My answer is simply this: all of it. 03/20/2000 I am, I was, I am First I put my trust in people. I am confused. You used to say you loved me. You used to say you cared for me. I am lonely. You used to stay beside me. You used to be a friend to me. I am sad. You used to comfort me. You used to be here to talk with me. I was alone. You came to save me. You came to heal the pain in me. I was confused. You straightened things out for me. You guided the light to me. I was suicidal. You sheltered me. You came, as no one else would, to me. I am thankful. You took care of me, you loved me. You were beside me. You were a friend to me, you comforted me. You talked with me. You saved me. You healed me. You guided me, sheltered me and came to save me. You love me. You love me. I am, I was, I am. You were, you are, you always will be. 08/16/2001 Cast Away Dreary day, gloomy season, love without a reason. Sadness feels alone and weak Sadness fills her heart so meek Cast away to sit alone. All by herself but not to drone Lonely years spent soundly in her mind With thoughts that were a sin. Poisoned by their echoing laughter Her condemned mouth would never chatter Locked within herself she rumbled Then her soul began to crumble. Secretly escaping her hell, life. She knelt down as she began to cry. Her raging heart loudly breaking Because she knew her life was aching. 03/03/2000 Sins It came upon me suddenly Sadness has taken over Here I am mulling over past events Its raining outside-I watch the rain As I begin to cry. Tears flow like the ocean. Raindrops like the sea. Someone stop this gray feeling. My heart has gone away. The things I do are so blue. The world I live in is black. The world I know is bleak. People see me as mysterious- Their minds full of wonder. The rain grows harder now As my emotions grow stronger The only thing that seems real are my sins. The lies people throw are like wicks On a candle, they burn down into nothing. People are often telling their selves There is nothing to fear. “Fear is only for those that have sinned” All I have left, all that is true are my sins. 02/06/2001 Ode To A Woman Sleep, sleep for when you wake you’ll have trouble. Maybe you could live in a bubble. Never wanting child. Never a loving mother. Angels cry for they feel her daughter’s pain. Can you ever know what she didn’t gain? A mother that ignores the child. A mother that loves to give. Loves to give heartache. Someone that is longing to break. Breakdown and cry. Stand alone on the pedestal of addiction. Swaying in the breeze. Still waiting for her heart to unfreeze. Yearning for lost love. Begging for enough time. Burning on the outside, churning on the inside, Yet she taught her child so much. About reality and life. A person of several different covers. The mother of all mothers. Brought up by the harshness of the world. Trapped in a distant web. A series of months passes while the mother still hasn’t cried. And the pain of her daughter has died. It is like her feelings have rotted away. Gone to some far away land that not a soul can reach. The mother of a penetrated universe. Here to keep her purse. Here to buy herself time. Here to stay free, loveless, and lifeless. 02/06/2001 All Is Well Feelings with out warning. Rivers with no end. Fall asleep in a dream. Crimes with no suspect. Dolphins soar high above the sea. For a short moment they are free, Likewise, for me. All is well, too much is wrong. A well with a broken bucket. The priest with the Irish accent. The gray haired man that always complains. These people you will remember. These people you will carry with you for the rest of your days. Swelling at the head. Crying at the heart. Stars shine bright in the middle of the night. Flames caress the innermost nerve. Correction in a perfect world. Roses that smell sweet but fall to pieces with a touch. Dreams that haven’t an end. The beginning of the day. The end of the world. Time to start a new universe. All is well, too much is wrong. This last one was written when Katherine and I knew each other as youths. My Love My life is like a rose, it falls petal by petal. My love is like a strong gush of wind. For my only love, you are in my heart. You are in my thoughts night and day. You are on my mind at every hour. You alone make my heart beat. You make my every breath worth breathing. My every day worth living. You are my everything, my love. I hope you all enjoyed these little writings from my past. It’s really a window to see a bit clearer to what my childhood was like.
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Authors:James and Katherine are a transgender couple raising two kids. They were southerners when coming to understand themselves as trans. Ultimately it lead to a nearly three year road trip to find home. Now they are re-housed and still focused on outreach in the transgender community! Archives
October 2020
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