Recently, with the threat of the anti-trans military ban, the military has been on my mind a great deal more than normal. Most places I go online, many channels on the television, and several radio stations I’ve heard news about Trump’s recent tweet concerning the transgender population no longer serving in the military. It has brought back many memories from through out my life, from childhood and beyond. I would like to take this time to express those memories here.
I can recall being a child and hearing my family speak about my grandfather’s service during the Korean War. I can remember my uncle, his brother-in-law, also talking about war times. My grandfather was effected by the war, however he didn’t like to speak of it much around his grandchildren. My uncle was a green beret in the same war, and that’s the extent of what I know about his service years. My grandfather died when Jay was one. We both went to his funeral, he was buried at Fort Riley, Kansas, which actually happens to be where one of my great-grandfather’s is buried too. It was my first military burial. The only part I found a little disrespectful was the gunshots during the salute service were pre-recorded, no live soldiers performed. I once knew a kindly gentleman that was a senior citizen that lived in the country community I grew up in. He had been a fighter pilot in WWII. He and his wife threw the annual church pool party at their house. We attended the same church, and after his military career was retired, he bought a small nursing home in town. Which is where I volunteered as a teenager, and for my volunteer efforts they gifted me a piano for my 17th birthday. He was a kind man, but had seen great battles. He had taken many lives, but managed to leave a huge impression of blessings upon mine. Another gentleman in the area, also served in WW2, except he was from Transylvania. He lived down the road from where my step-mother worked. He has since passed, but we also went to church together, and for a high school world history project, I interviewed him about his pact with the United States military in order to serve our country on enemy territory. He was one of the key persons to locate Hitler’s under ground oil reserves and destroy them. He gave me pictures from the period to use for my project. During childhood, my dream since the age of four was to become a nurse, which I did go on to achieve, although not currently working in that field. My original plan was to join the Air Force. I carried out four years of Reserved Officers Training through an Air Force program that worked with our high school and the local Air Force Base. I went through the history of Aerospace Science, physical training, and a summer leadership training program at the Columbus Air Force Base. My plans were to join the USAF as an Airman First Class, with a pay grade of E-03 right after graduation from high school. My junior and senior years I worked along side the recruiters to come up with a physical fitness routine to get my body weight and BMI down to an acceptable limit. By my senior year, I had dropped 85 pounds, running daily, doing aerobics three times a week, and yoga twice a week. Things were lining out for those plans smoothly. During my time in AFJROTC, I began participating in the extra-curricular activity called Drill Team. This is where armed and unarmed students march in unison, performing per-determined drill acts. I was in drill team three of the four years of ROTC. As a unit, we traveled to numerous cities and towns across the state to compete against other ROTC units, to include Navy, Army, Marine, and Air Force programs. We would practice after school in the courtyard or gym, depending upon the weather. To begin, I was merely a participant, filing in unison with the other cadets at my sides. However, my junior year I applied to be the captain of the regulation drill team. Unfortunately, I was passed over for a senior. That summer between my junior and senior year, my Sergeant decided since I was interested in captain, perhaps some leadership training would be best suited for me. The next year, I came back full force going for the leadership role of Regulation Drill Team Captain. There were two finalists, me and one other person. I was ultimately accepted as the Team Captain, and I took our team to the First Place Overall in competition that year, not just first place for regulation, but first place over all the other competing schools. For that, I was awarded the title Cadet Major, which was rare at that time, there were only two other cadets that had made it to Major in our school program. My junior and senior years, I received awards signed by the President for my courage, honor, and patriotism. The Daughter’s of the American Legion award, and the National Sojourners Award. I was honored and felt as if my military career was concrete at this point. Then 9/11 happened and I felt much differently about joining the military. I felt as if I would face certain death and my dreams would no longer be able to become a reality. Yes, I backed out from joining for fear of being a part of a major war. I couldn’t bring myself to sign the papers. Instead, I worked hard to receive a scholarship to The Mississippi University for Women (MUW). I entered the nursing program, along with the Senior ROTC program through Mississippi State University partner program with MUW. I slowly realized that I no longer wanted to join the military, so I married instead. My first husband watched his friends join and be sent away one after another. We saw countless community members’ lives be devastated with the news of going to war. Many of the men in our neighborhood were gone, it was like living in a shell of a community. The families grieved, the kids cried, the spouse’s were expected to continue life as if nothing had changed. While working as a nurse in Tuscaloosa, there were several women whose husbands were shipped off over seas for the war. But there was a couple nurses that couldn’t cope and would cry on the night-shift while attempting to do their paperwork. I can recall one night in particular, when a fellow nurse on the same unit, was venting to me about how this was her husbands third tour and it wasn’t fair for him to be drafted out again. He was apart of a reserve unit and she was afraid he wouldn’t come home this time. My husband a few years into our marriage decided to join the Army. Although, I have spoken of this story before, it comes to mind again. My life has never been the same after he joined, and neither was his. I can remember the last day before he left for the service. We had gotten a large box of belongings together for the trip to MEPS and basic training. The usual toiletries, socks, running shoes, underwear, and such. We made the rounds to each of his family’s residences to have last goodbyes. We had a nice private walk with one another down to the creek in front of our house. We kissed, promised to write each other, then I drove him the 45 minutes over to Tuscaloosa. I was scared to loose him, since he had signed on for the infantry. Not long after he arrived, I got a message on my answering machine that completely shook up my world with the news that followed the call-back. He had went AWOL, stole a milk truck with the milk man inside. The poor milk guy had been inadvertently kidnapped. He fled the base, eluding the military police, and involving the civilian police. The authorities had to shut down 60 miles of interstate due to the high speed chase, he was headed south bound in the north bound lanes. He was driving without the thought of anyone else in mind. He had snapped. He told me after he had been detained that the people there had threatened my safety and he believed them and came to care for me. He looked at me with the most heart broken look from behind the glass. That was the first time I had ever been inside of a jail, and his first time as well. He cried and begged for me to forgive him and not to divorce him. But the thought of that snap, the thought of him endangering so many lives on the highway that day, knowing he had tried to kill a police dog, and himself, made me terrified to stay with him. To this day, I live with this on my conscience. What if I had stayed? What if I had gone back to him? Would he still be alive today? He took his own life after this, because I divorced him over it. I was frightened of what may come between us. The fights, the broken dishes, the dents in our truck, the shouting matches, the scars on my heart felt more painful, bigger, amplified, and horrific even. All the bad that we had been through together combined with this incident had a monumental effect on my heart, mind, and life. I wasn’t the same. After our divorce, I would cry myself to sleep, write him letters, and rip them up. I would compose notes, letters, and cards each week but never could bring myself to do more than tear them up. Although, I have not served in our military forces, it has effected my life time and time again. The military has changed people’s lives in positives ways and negative ones. How has the military effected your life? Has this recent banter over trans folks serving in the military brought up memories for you too? Have you served in the military? If you have served, I want to take this moment to thank you for your sacrifice.
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Authors:James and Katherine are a transgender couple raising two kids. They were southerners when coming to understand themselves as trans. Ultimately it lead to a nearly three year road trip to find home. Now they are re-housed and still focused on outreach in the transgender community! Archives
October 2020
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