When we decided to change our lives, we were prepared to make sacrifices. We figured it would take some time in Denver to regain our footing. We surely thought Denver, was the answer we'd been hoping for, as we researched the dozens of local resources.
We left from our townhouse in Hattiesburg, Mississippi. We drove the three hours to Columbus to say goodbye to our one remaining family member, Kat's father. Who had recently lost his home of twenty years to foreclosure and then resided in a smaller apartment. We stayed for about an hour, exchanged hugs, and departed for our grand journey, thousands of miles away. We were excited about the trip to the Midwest. We were hopeful about our future, but terrified of the unknown. Leaving our childhood home, for what felt like the final time, was heartbreaking, as well as liberating. Knowing there was a possibility we would never see the people we had known the majority of our lives ever again, we left to embrace ourselves, live by our blossoming value set, and make radical changes that were mandatory. I say mandatory because it was literally life or death for Katherine to transition, it was literally killing me inside as well. To live a lie, to bear false witness, to ignore my inner spiritual understanding of myself to identify merely as the arrangement of my human flesh, was suffocating my soul. I've seen folks saying some awful things about transgender people, for instance "this is a virus we must eliminate before it spreads". It sure felt like a virus, slowly destroying myself, slowly destroying every relationship, slowly deteriorating each aspect of my life. After self destructing several friendships, family ties, and my own life, I was at the extreme darkest moment, we both were. Writhing in agony, crying, screaming for relief, a pain so great, a torment so strong, we couldn't bare it any longer. From the ashes of those identities we killed, rose stronger, better, more resilient individuals. As we've began to uncover what lies under our surfaces, we found a raw beauty, a genuineness we had never experienced before. The more we deconstructed our old selves, the more we were able to build a more correct version of our inner realities. Through all of this, we've lost a lot of people who have been there a very long time. Recently, I lost my mother, for what seems like forever. I don't mean she died, that may not have hurt nearly as bad. Instead, she called me about three months ago, stating she had been lying for the past two years in accepting our transitions. She claimed to have lied about having her own gender questions earlier in life. She instructed me that if I call her, I am only to speak to her as my former identity. What's worse, is she said that I should stop this delusion, and go back to being a female completely. She informed me God had told her this was a lie and we both needed to stop lying and just be who God made us to be. After this conversation, I took over a month to let that really sink in deep. She had lied to me. She had been one way to us and one way to her sister and now hypocritical, as well as demanding of me to conform to her image of me, what she was comfortable with. Realizing my mother was a liar, a hypocrite, and two-faced, I called her to let her know I could no longer accept her in my life. Coming to realize, we have one family member left, has been rather isolating. Katherine's father has let us know he doesn't really understand, he doesn't want to judge, but that he accepts we've changed for the better. He says he loves us, no matter what, and he has been there for us more than anyone else. We've had to be real with him, confront him with openness, honesty, and love. We've found, that's all it takes. Love, honesty, and compassion. What doesn't make sense to me is why people believe this is a choice. I promote the blog on a regular basis. I literally go into the street and strike up conversations with strangers. I have hand written cards that contain our blog information. I say "Hi, there. I'm James, I'm transgender and so is my wife. We are involved in activism and outreach and have a blog. I'd like to share it with you and tell you what we've been working on." Sometimes I get a polite "No, thanks." Other times, the person I'm speaking with wants to ask questions, have a dialogue, and even donate a dollar to our cause. Then there are times that go way worse. Recently, I've been told I was going to hell, spit on, cussed out for approaching someone, told I shouldn't speak up because I look like a "freak". One very masculine appearing person told me "I don't believe in it, I don't agree with it, I don't want to have anything to do with it." Then again, I've had individuals to talk with me for ten minutes, half an hour, even over an hour! Even a few folks just act as if I don't exist, like I'm not standing there speaking or holding space at all. It's sure been varying responses. This is why I say, why would anyone choose to put themselves into a population of folks that are more likely to be murdered, assaulted, arrested, raped, bullied, harassed, and ignored? I am certain I wouldn't choose this, if I wasn't born this. So, for those that don't get it, that choose not to try to understand someone else's lived experiences, I have no time for them either. Those that say it's a choice, are just ignorant and refuse to educate themselves. Unfortunately, many of my family members fit into that category. We press on anyway, despite the hurt, despite the bigotry, despite the transphobia, despite the ignorance. We can only educate those that are receptive. This we why we share our story, to bring understanding, to encourage those that are beaten down by life as well, to purge the old and celebrate the new! We have a beautiful family here in our home, and a wonderful chosen family in the lgbtq community, as well as a handful of other friends that stuck around to discover the true us. They are our family and family matters. Denver turned out not to be that home we originally set out for. Our travels continue to take us to new places and to meet new faces. Some are friendly, others not so much. If I could encourage you to do one thing, it would to be friendly, loving, and compassionate to all our human family members, because family really does matter.
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Authors:James and Katherine are a transgender couple raising two kids. They were southerners when coming to understand themselves as trans. Ultimately it lead to a nearly three year road trip to find home. Now they are re-housed and still focused on outreach in the transgender community! Archives
October 2020
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