Cole is living in California, and is going through a divorce after a 10 year relationship. She is a parent of three daughters, two of which are her step-daughters. She has raised her step-daughters as her own since they were toddlers, now they are teenagers. Also, she has come to understand she is transgender. She says she has known about being “non-male” since she was five years old. However, Cole wasn’t out as transgender when her biological child was born, she is listed as the legal “father” on her daughter’s birth certificate. Cole and her former wife have been through a great deal since their separation. Majority of it has been legal battles and Cole believes being transgender may have complicated her case.
Cole’s former spouse, we will call Xhe. Despite knowing that Cole was gender variant when starting their relationship, when Cole came out as transgender Xhe went through what some call “transgender panic”. Xhe went as far as to file a protection order against Cole, which resulted in visitation troubles with the three children. Xhe was claiming Cole had been abusive. Once she was presented with the protection order, Cole went to the court house to file a response: Declaration in response to Respondent Ex Parte. The Declaration described that Xhe had filed the protection order based solely on “transgender panic” and that the abuse claims are unfounded. Shortly after Cole filed a Motion to Relinquish parental rights. Based on past experiences as a couple and the youngest child coming forward to reveal signs of physical abuse, Cole wishes to see a full psychological evaluation performed on Xhe. Cole wants to see supervised visitation until Xhe is deemed “safe”. Also instead of the visitation being on a schedule, Cole would rather visits occur with the children’s consent and request. Cole has raised three children and desires to communicate with all three of them, to include her two step-daughters. Since the youngest confessed to Cole that Xhe had left the marks found on her body and that this is an ongoing occurrence, Cole took pictures of the marks. One mark was around her throat showing strangulation, the child said it was from a necklace she was wearing, the mother used to squeeze her neck. The second was around her wrist which were fingernail marks and around her ankle were squeeze marks. Cole wants custody of her biological child and wishes her step-daughters can go to a safe home as well. Since she didn’t adopt the two step-daughters during the marriage, she is not legally tied to either of her oldest children. Unfortunately, this means she isn’t able to visit with them either. How this began: Sadly, after Xhe voluntarily took herself off her medications which led to an attack of aggressive mania, Xhe withheld all visitation from Cole. Xhe claimed Cole being transgender “confused” the children. Cole was finally able to see herself for who she was inside, and that felt right. Cole had several conversations with her children about being transgender and they were understanding. Cole claims Xhe manipulated the children into fearing her by using words such as “crazy” when speaking to the children about her. Cole tells the story that she was simply living her life for a decade, raising her three daughters, and helping to care for her mentally impaired wife. Once she came out as transgender, her life started to change in less positive ways. Cole was given a motion to vacate the premises, pushing her out of her home, into the streets to sleep in her car. After the upheaval of her entire life, Cole ultimately had to make the decision to give up her computer programming obligations at that time due to the chaotic situation. She was also refused the right to see her daughter for two periods during a 16 month time-frame. In the battles of divorce, custody, and visitation a great deal of overwhelming information has come to light about the living conditions of the children, for the rest of the article we will be focusing on one child, the youngest, the biological daughter, we will call Xin. Since Cole has no legal parental ties to the oldest two children, she has no legal say in their care or well-being except to report to CPS (Child Protective Services). She is fighting for her daughter’s safety and possibly even her life. Xhe claims Xin demonstrates Oppositional Defiant Disorder, or “ODD”. A condition where a child has extreme defiance towards authority figures, having uncooperative and sometimes even hostile behavior. Xhe claims the child is worse at home, which is often times the case in kids with ODD. Cole disputes these claims, saying Xhe is the confrontational one, not Xin, the child. Cole has interviewed teachers and other adults that work with Xin, to inquire as to whether they noticed signs of the disorder in Xin. All of them have denied the presence of these symptoms. There are over a dozen professionals and other adults in Xin’s life willing to testify in the child’s favor, disputing the claims of the disorder. Cole has tried to get Xin’s testimony to hold accountability, but so far it hasn’t. Xhe has taken Xin to the county therapist in 2015 to examine and work with Xin, but Cole feels this decision should have been agreed to by her. Cole even tried legally to have a say in the provider that Xin was going to see, but failed in the attempts to be active in the decisions of the child’s care. Cole has been denied the right to have any say in what school Xin attends, and in other parental aspects of Xin’s childhood, Cole is being excluded. During court hearings, the Judge has referred to Cole as “emotional”, which any parent would be emotionally disturbed by these accounts from their child. Cole feels this Judge is trans-phobic, wanting to suppress her side of the case, and desires the case to be reviewed by a different Judge. She firmly believes this will result in a much different outcome than how the case has unfolded so far. She wants the court to see the bigger picture. That picture being a concerned, loving parent that has been wrongfully accused of atrocities and knowingly has to sit by until a judge will hear the testimonies fairly, review all evidence and make an honest decision based on the condition of the child’s experiences and safety. Instead, she feels her gender identity is getting in the way of justice for Xin in this case. If you or someone you know is an attorney practicing family law in California and can help Cole’s case, please see her website and contact her today! Xin & Cole need your help. http://coleprime.com/
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Authors:James and Katherine are a transgender couple raising two kids. They were southerners when coming to understand themselves as trans. Ultimately it lead to a nearly three year road trip to find home. Now they are re-housed and still focused on outreach in the transgender community! Archives
October 2020
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